I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
