I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
