I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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