Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
