You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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