were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
