got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
