It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
