Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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