i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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