i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
