All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
