I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
