I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Randomize
