she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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