Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
