so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
