I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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