If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
