i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
