Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
