Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
