Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
