I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
