You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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