if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
