Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
