Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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