Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
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