she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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