dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
she pinky promised me she was 18
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
