at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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