you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
