your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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