im having a threesome with these popsicles
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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