you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
