Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
