We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Randomize
