I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
