life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
When did angry sex become our thing?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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