i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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