I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
