what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
