She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Green mimosas i think yes
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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