You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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