do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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