oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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