i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
