I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
