How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
