I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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