Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
